wasterd in yucaipa

i don't know what happened. well, i know what happened - i got fucking wasted. what i don't know id how i got here, yucaipa according to the sign outside. i have a flight itinerary with the words "salton sea" scribbled on it. i'm in a cheap motel. there's a broken chair. i'm sweating my balls off. there's blood spattered in the sink. also, i think somebody shit in the bathtub and tried to wash it down the drain. the bed looks untouched. i don't remember waking up. it's just like all of the sudden i was standing in this shitty bathroom. i just found my pants - they're sticking out from under the bed. about to go through them...okay there's a receipt from carl's jr. looks like i had a guac something burger, which would make sense. a necklace that i've never seen before. no empty baggies. maybe i didn't go all the way. someone's knocking on the door. i'm not fucking answering it. my elbow really fucking hurts. can't find my wallet. more blood, on my shirt. nobody else here anywhere. except outside the door. my head is throbbing. at least i know i'm alive. i've never even heard of yucaipa. smells like someone pissed in here. fuck i thought that was sweat. there's a burn or something on my penis. like a rug burn. knocking on the door. maybe medicine.

Constant Battle

OK I think it's time for me to weigh in. My name is Steve. I'm a friend of Seth and Brian and we all got to know each other back when we were housed together in treatment, smoking cigs and acting like assholes. Ha! Those were interesting days.

I'm the youngest of the three, I'm only 25. About 7-8 years ago, I was pretty athletic, played safety on my high school football team, I ran, played tennis (I was even better at tennis than any other sport actually). But I injured my knee pretty severely driving like a douchebag on a moped during my freshman year in college. I was actually drunk and would teeter a little heavy with alcohol at that age. It actually got out of control on several occasions. Anyway a couple of surgeries later and a knee replacement, I started taking pain killers and gained so much of an appetite that I bypassed my doctor who refused to prescribe more pain killers and tried Oxycontin, which I got from a friend of a friend of a friend! So, anyway I would pop those regularly. I eventually found out that you could smoke it too. Basically, you rub the tablet on a piece of tin foil, it leaves a residue. You take a lighter and hold the flame on the opposite side of the foil, you then suck in the smoke with a straw. I would get pretty solid hits from that method and it became my daily routine. A lot of times I would do this drunk. That almost has OD written all over it. Thankfully that never happened!

My parents didn't really have substance abuse problems themselves, but my dad was/is verbally abusive to my Mom and my sister. Plus, they sort of have money. Instead of dealing with me stopping by their house asking for money and "using" in their home, they put me in an apartment in a building they owned. Out of site and out of mind! That was my drug pad. I lost a lot of weight, acted like a needy and selfish motherfucker. In a way, my parents were feeding my habit putting me there.

Well finally, my sister convinced me, after many many tries, that I needed help. (She also abused prescription drugs for a time before getting help). Part of the recovery process was to process Dad's abusive personality. It didn't work right away, I fell off and relapsed one other time, but I tried again. It was during the first treatment that I ran into these guys. I think the three of us finally got it right. Now we're here, holding jobs, learning new things, moving on and writing about it.

I wish I didn't delete my blog. But I wrote a lot of angry stuff in there. At some point, I printed out those pages and deleted the blog. All the entries are in a binder in my bookcase as a historical reference to my darkest areas. I don't need to read it now, because I feel so freaking good! But anytime I don't feel so good about myself, it helps to go back and read about how far I've come.

By the way, I'm also a drug rehabilitation counselor and an studying to get certified. I think I'm pretty good! I do follow it from a spiritual perspective. I'm not really "religious" persay, but I'm spiritual. I would even invite a little buddhism if it gave me a clearer perspective.

Anyway, that's the jist of what's me. Discuss.

I did bad things but I am not a bad person.

Bullshit.  I was.

I like to write about myself.  Am I doing it to stay strong? Am I doing it to relive the debauchery and the shame?  Even in rehab me and my dudes were the bad boys.  We sat outside smoking cigs all fucking night until we had to roll in while the other dudes were playing ping pong or in prayer group.

Prayer Group.  This one dude (lets call him Jeff, and lets call him that because his name is actually Jeff) rolled in on my second day.  Clock what he said "dude fuck this.  These guys look like idiots.  I want to get out of here.  My wife cut off all me credit cards and I have no access to my bank account or I would split.  I just want to use and get the Hell out of here".  By his third day he was leading prayer group.  Because wifey liked that. Because at the end of thirty he got his credit cards back. Because then he cold go back to coke and prostitutes every once in awhile. And the prostitutes?  Oh dude he would hire these chicks and not allow them to speak or move.  He just had them stand in the corner while he raged.

He still does this.  He got his money back.

So I on the other hand smoke cigs and crack jokes and tell the counselor I want to throw a chair through the window and my girl?  She leaves.

So now I crave it.  I crave debauchery more than I crave the booze and drugs.  I crave the chaos and I crave the hit.  But you know I don't do it.  I just don't.  But maybe if I joined prayer group my girl would have stayed and maybe then I wouldn't feel like such a fucking bad person.

Oh yeah...this is Steve.  We asked him to join our blog.  He smoked cigs with us.

Hello from Brian

As Seth has already explained, we have a slightly unusual history together. Having your first memories of someone paired with a deep, cold ache you can feel in your bones is sure to make a lasting impression. Most of the people in the detox unit were idiots; whiny suburban children who got into mom's bathroom pharmacy. Seth was more like me. We actually were able to laugh once or twice throughout the 2 week process of healing our brains by denying them the comfortable chemicals that made it all run smoothly.

Anyhoo, enough about rehab. As I mentioned in my profile, I’ve also been diagnosed with ASPD, which is basically what happens when you grow up with conduct disorder and then break a law after the age of 18. I’m not saying I’m not antisocial, just that the system is imperfect. And to quickly address the stigma – I’m not like Hannibal Lecter and I don’t kill things or go around hurting animals or anything like that. It just takes a little more to excite me than it does most people. And I don’t really know what guilt is. People explain it to me and it’s a foreign concept. I have a really hard time seeing my part in things sometimes.

Recovery is pretty cool so far. I like having money for my other hobbies. There are a lot of interesting people.

I noticed a few people have already showed some support on this page. That’s very cool. I look forward to visiting your pages soon.

Keeping it Real

Hey all.

I started this blog to get out some feelings about some addiction and being in recovery.

I have invited my roomie from rehab a few years ago to join me.  He was and is my brother.  I was terrified when I went in there.  My whole life had been turned upside down.  I lost my job, my wife, my friends.  I had hit bottom.  When I got in there I was not only terrified but I was angry.  My buddy kept me sane.  I have now been clean for a few years now but I will not lie.  It is hard.  Very hard.

It is my hope that in having this forum for me to open up not only to my best friend but to the rest of you that it will help keep me clean and help me grow.

I may get a little raw in here from time to time but I am looking for support and honesty so please feel free to say what you feel and I will do the same.

Peace....